Search for pleasure, search for pain.

2009-08-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

You no longer hafta read this shitass blog anymore.

I have decided to leave this blog once and for all.

To here: http://linda-simone.livejournal.com/

i just don't feel comfortable, strangers reading my blog, and stalkers after me. and what's worse occasional weird hate taggers.

Add me up, and don't be a bitch if i don't add you back. It's just that this live journal is where my deepest fears, and everything else vulnerable about me is being vented out.

I love all of you. Bless your beautiful souls.
Till we meet again.

Love, Lass Linda.

PS: i miss my long hair :(

Meanwhile, you guys can stalk me through twitter.

follow lasslinda at http://twitter.com

Bye!

2009-07-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

Every little thing I did, every little thing I said, you will scrutinize and judge. Every single mistake I’ve done, you forgive, but you never did forget.
Forgiveness to me is a very peculiar thing. Sometimes, I don’t really believe you when you say you have forgiven me. Instead I have this bad vibe that you are actually plotting on your marvelous revenge. Revenge to inflict tremendous pain on me mentally. Revenge that actually going to turn out as my very own karma.

For once, you don’t actually know what is going on in my life. So you don't have any fucking rights to judge what the fuck I do, you don't need to give two flying fucks about me, you can just leave.

This world is irking me out. Every second I breathe it hurts. I still couldn’t believe, I still couldn’t take in all the information at once.

Sometimes I wonder if it was my fault, but initially like what my psychiatrist said, no one is to be blamed.

What the fuck is no one is to be blamed anyway? Then where should I vent my disappointment and anger to?

By redirecting my focus on stupid things like exercising and other fucking lame shits? Nah, it doesn’t work that way. For me that is.

Fuck goddammit. I cannot focus well these days. My mind keeps drifting away from the task that I'm supposed to be working on.

I need to give myself a break, i should stop working long hours, i should rest.
I can't.
I still do feel so lonely at times, it's like this black hole, sucking me in.
I need to get out.
I have too.
ASAP.
I can't put up with this anymore, yes, i am vulnerable right now, yes, i am weak.
I am no longer the independent Linda anymore.
I confess, I need assurance, that I'll pull through.
I need it all. Afterall, I am still human.

Sometimes I think I'm way too nice to people. Way too nice.
I needa kick some of them in the ass.
Why the fuck am I helping people when they don't even fucking listen when I'm in need?
I need to help myself.
I need to learn to love myself.
I need to let go.

I still have yusri and shasha. They are all I trust and need now.
I love you both.

2009-06-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

How could i ever let go?

I’ve burned all of teddy’s pictures. In my dreams, he told me to move on already. it’s about time.
Today is the start of a new day.
God bless my dying heart.

2009-06-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

I get the final say.

Since forever, I have been dealing with the same old shit. Maybe, you should take a look at yourself, at the different perspectives and stop pointing fingers and blaming other people for your very own crap. I DID NOT disturb anybody’s husband. I did not fuck with your husband, I did not have anything physical to do with him whatsoever. Maybe you should brush up on you bedroom skills to keep your relationship with you and your husband strong.

Pegi mampos okay kau ezra. Go and learn the art of karma sutra. And get this up there in your puny birdbrain. I DO NOT AND NEVER HAD FUCKED YOUR FUGLY HUSBAND. GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Who the fuck would want anything to do with your fucking low life husband anyway? I don’t give any flying fucks about him. He is one son of a gun and I know better than to go around fucking with him and ended up contradicting STD.
FUCK YOU FUCKING DUMBFUCK.

Don’t you go around trying to bring me down; I have other things to focus on, like trying to keep in track of my bachelor’s degree. And I don’t need you for judgment; go judge your bad parenting skills instead.

Moving on.

Oh yes, it was arn’s birthday the other day, we did something. =)
Because of you my dear arn, I didn’t mind getting hot wax all over my long looooong legs, it kinda turns me on you know?
Haha, you know I love you arn!! * crushing boobie hug*

A snippet from my private Livejournal:

Been spending my nights over at the vacant apartment, I am still overwhelmed by the loss. I am still in absolute denial. I told myself over and over again, that it wasn’t my fault, even dickie’s assurance did nothing to repair the damage that’s been done. Yesterday, I took one of teddy’s favourite shirts over to my house, I held it tight in my arms and cried till I fell asleep. The need to surround myself with things I can associate with teddy. it had been an obsession for the past few weeks.

I opened the fridge, there was one last bottle of whiskey left. I couldn’t even distract myself with it. I wondered if teddy is watching me from the heaven’s above.

My psychologist, called me the other day to check things out, boy, he’s so fucking gay, he thinks I’m fucking bipolar, which I’m not.
Maybe if teddy came back to life, I do not need frequent sessions with mr gay psychologist. Who scribbles but did practically nothing useful except prescribing nonsense medication that I do not fucking need. I bet he’s mentally undressing me every session and wondered what bra cup size he wants for himself to attract fucking married man who’s bisexual.

I’m floating on air once again, please, bring me back to earth. If you think this is a silent cry for help, think again.

2009-06-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

You feel this, unless you kill this.

My pet terrapin died on Friday. I was heartbroken for the second time when it happened. I cried, I wanted to pull my hair, the pain was so intense that I sobbed till I fall asleep.

I had to regain my composure, because right from the start, I was not composed enough to think straight. I thought I needed time for myself, but instead, I find myself spiraling into deep depression. i thought I could do a lot of things to heal the hurt I have inside me, been there done that. You name it, I’ve tried it. yet, nothing work.

Wherever I go, it reminds me of you. Whenever people see me, they ask me of you. Whichever place I thought had nothing that could ignite the hurt, I would still be thinking of you.

It doesn’t matter anymore, and I don’t have to state this right here, moving on was one hell of a fucking son of a bitch.
I know I should stop whining, but since when do the problems stay permanently, and I, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to find a solution to it all.
All I did was to waste my time with useless things, trying way too hard to distract myself, satisfying myself behind closed doors, and when I thought I would be better off alone, the heartbreaking-ness sets in.

I used to ask myself when would all this bullshit end? It’s been dragging and I have to start focusing soon before my degree starts.

No matter how hard I tried to avoid feeling it, it still comes and attacks in its vicious manners. I surrendered to the pain for endless nights if I was in my own bed.
I couldn’t help it, I thought that one day it would all end.

And who the fuck are you to be spreading nasty things to my friends anyway? You should just stuff your fucking dick in your fucking mouth, I don’t need them anyway.
Stop stalking me, stop hanging out around my area, stop saying you love me, because you fucking disgust me.

I don’t care if you’re doing stupid things because of me, I don’t care if you fucked 100 whores because right from the start, I didn’t love you anyway.
Well fuck you, fuck your fucking bike and fuck your stupid hair.

You are not making this easy at all for me, let me be on my own, I’m not a baby, I can look after myself for goodness sake!
I’m still damn broken inside, and I’m trying to fix it all by myself. I don’t need any fucks help. Fuck you all.

And i still think of you Teddy. From the moment you carried me back to my apartment while I was dead drunk, I already fell hard.

And every time, my phone vibrates, I wished it was you.
It took me too long to say those words, but now you’re gone forever, and only I’m left to blame.

Sometimes, I went back to the apartment, and ransacked your closet. I surrounded myself with your clothes, your smell still lingers and sometimes, I can still hear you whisper in my ear.

I can still hear your laughter, and I’ve longed for you to carry me and spin me around and around like how you used too every sunday morning when you tickle me to wake me up.

I loved you teddy. I hope you’re doing well on the other side. i know everything will never happen, ever again. And your pictures are still tucked safely in my wallet.

I’ve missed you so darn much. I can’t feel anything anymore. I don’t know what the fuck am I doing anymore.

I don’t know who the fuck am I anymore. I wished i could turn back the time while you're still around, and healthy.

I shall delete my blog soon and concentrate on my livejournal.

2009-05-20T11:45:00.001-07:00

While I still have the time.

WAH! Life’s been very hectic lately. Now, it’s only about two weeks later, then I’ll be starting my degree at Wheelock. Frankly, I’m not looking forward to it. however, I have to prepare myself mentally for the challenges to come and stuff.
I am obviously very lazy to upload all the overdued pictures and I am lazy to update about what’s going on with my life.
I’m working my ass out, and been spending it like I’m some motherfucking millionaire’s daughter. Yes, you got it, I am broke. I was broke today, yesterday, the day before yesterday and everyday else!
However, I am happy, because I still have my awesome bunch of friends even though two of my favorite ones are in Cairo, drinking camel’s milk. I am very jealous and should not have spent my money on stupid things like I don’t know,just stupid things.

There were drama here and there with friends and stalkers, but things are finally settling down. In other words, things have been pretty boring lately. A big HAHA to that.
Pictures are all up on facebook, I am inactive in Friendster and myspace already. so yeah, please do add me at facebook to view all of the pictures, the ugly and the hideous ones uploaded by my wonderful friends.
There are my graduation pictures with baby, café del mar with lina darling, butter factory with my girls, and some other nonsensical pictures la. What are you waiting for fools? Just add me, and you no longer need to read this shitass blog no more.

Lass Linda Pardi's Profile

Just click.
One more year to Boston! It’s keeping me going baby.

2009-03-30T10:22:00.001-07:00

Comeback

Been very busy lately. Things have been awesomely great. Found an awesome job. Friends had been awesome, my birthday was spent with awesome people, I feel awesome today.
I shall update on this blog of mine, if I have time to spare.

2009-03-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

I already promised JIANXIANG that I would do an entry about him and here I am. Yes, I was supposed to work till 3 on Saturday but when I got to work, my sister told me that I finished at 4! I was pissed, because apparently I have plans. Being a nice person, JIANXIANG volunteered himself and he extended his time till 4pm just for me. Sweet, bitchy JIANXIANG. Thank you so much for helping me save my own ass JX. =) and while he extended his time, he reached tampiness late. =( I’m sorry.

I promise I’ll make it up to u soon k JX. And yes, since he told me not to put his picture up my blog, I put my own picture up, with lina. I miss my lina so so much! Glad that she came back from KL safe and sound and she went there just to see Jason Mraz!

Lately, my working place has a lot of political conflicts. I here about things here and there. I couldn’t care less any more. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not worth my time thinking about it. It reminds me of Animal Farm. If you have read about it, you might be able to know a gist about what’s going on at my working place. If not, just forget about it, it’s nothing important anyway. These things could just be brushed aside.

My blog is dying. I promise I'll update it more often.

And this going to be my favorite phrase now. “Who the fuck you think I am? Your fucking chebye dog?!!!”

Just be gone.

2009-03-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

You’ll be the death of me.

My heels were killing me. I winced with every step brought forward. I looked ahead. My apartment seems miles away when actually it’s just a few meters away.
I gave up. I sat on the pavement. Frustrated, I yanked my strappy heels and in the process broke one of the straps. I didn’t have the energy to even give a fuck about it. I threw them heels into he middle o the empty street. I fished out one stick of my menthols and lit it up.

I took out my cell phone and called for Teddy. He came over right at the pavement in about five minutes time, where I sat, all slouchy and nearly fucking wasted.

Impressive.

“you bitch,” I heard him murmur under his breath. i felt his strong hands around me and the next thing I know, he lifted me up and started to carry me up to my apartment.

I couldn’t even resist. I did not have the energy to even give a fuck.

Teddy opened my apartment door and switched on the lights.

“anybody home?” he called out. No answer. I nearly wept. It’s the third day already. he wasn’t home. What the fuck is wrong with him?

Teddy went into the master bedroom and put me placed me gently on the bed. He then lay down beside me.

Teddy stroked my hair slowly, and whispered a million beautiful things that he never said to me before all these years. And I could feel Teddy staring intently at me as I slowly drifted of to sleep.
I felt guilty because as the days goes by, I realized I’m falling for Teddy.
And he is slowly fading away from my pathetic life.

And then yesterday, before I have my weekly sessions with my gay psychiatrist, I told teddy that I loved him too.

And he told me to never let go.

Then that night, when I got home to an empty apartment yet again, I drank myself to a fucken stupor.
I didn’t want to wake up ever again.
Fuck the psychiatrist, fuck Teddy, fuck him.
I told myself, I couldn’t and wouldn’t love anymore. My whole world revolves around him.
My whole world.

Everything is just crashing down on me now. I can never pick myself up ever again.
I'm sorry.

2009-02-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

Come what may.

I can't believe after all these while, you still want me like how it was four years ago.
Baby, I miss our dirty wrestling matches real bad.
I love you so fucking much.
Please, stay.

2009-02-09T09:32:00.000-08:00

Babe and I were busy browsing through our old pictures when we came across this particular picture of him.
"OH MY GOSH! i remembered this day very well!" I said.

He was frowning. "Yeah, i remembered it too...it was three yeaaar.."

"You look so darn handsome and young laaaa! OMGGGGG!!!" I cut in.

He rolled his eyes.

" HEY! I am still very much HANDSOME NOW OKAY!!!"

Hahah. Guys and they fucking huge egos.
I love you la Ihsan, even if your face macam kena langgar lorry. You tetap my one and only baby. ;)

2009-02-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

I love my sister so much.

2009-01-28T08:59:00.001-08:00

The girls had a sleepover at my house for two freaking days. On Wednesday and Thursday. That’s when we worked our ass out on the IEP project.
It’s finally over and I am so proud of our work and of course, I love my girls so much! I’m sorry for not updating that much anymore, I have been very busy with school, its gonna end soon anyway. So yeah, whatever.
So many things happened, so little time to do reflection on every decisions I have made, every single thing that I’ve said.
It’s sad, I shall quit working at childcare and start looking for some random jobs already. arrggghh, the torture.
Pictures are all up in facebook, cannot be bothered to upload them all in here. Add me up in facebok and I swear to god, you’ll be so disgusted with my pictures there.
This is my favourite picture because naz looks like a fucking cricket. When this picture was taken, all of us were dying. Okay, maybe only me, huiwen and Lydia dying cos we slept at 3am!
Damn.
Sometimes I still am very much amazed with myself. Two straight days fucking away with IEP not enough sleep and so on.
Okay, this is a stupid post.
I’ll be back 3nd feb. PROMISE!

2009-01-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

Cloud Nine still.

I am planning to go to Melbourne during my short three months holiday before I start doing my degree so we can have fun!” We” as in Richard and me excluding his sri lankan roommate who smokes marijuana till the whole house is fucking filled with smoke that I cant even see my own vagina. And we were talking about how when I’m gonna enter the airport and they’ll be saying “ hey alien, come here,” because I look like a fucking asian, just like him, a fucking bisexual Chinese man.

Then you know you have to pass through the gate thing after the flight , after chucking your luggage for xray scan and that’s what me and Richard have been talking about. The awesomely entrance which apparently is a gateway that allows the officers to scrutinize the length of your penises and how pointy your boobs can be.

Now all I can think is that I have to complete the fucking year end project, as quoted from Naz, “we’re gonna hafta kick ass during poster presentation,” and then I am so done with my fucking diploma, and I can work like hell, earn just enough money to fly to Melbourne and fuck it all out with Richard. I miss him so much, I’ve been thinking and dreaming about his nipples each day. (okay, exaggerating)

Of course, if I don’t and cant collect the fucking money, Richard will have to come to Singapore and hang out with me or something. Afterall, he just finished doing his masters, so I figured he have all the free time in the world to come and see me.

Graduating soon. Just thinking of it, gives me nipple erection!

Oh, and the other day, lina fetched me from home to go to taka and get some stuff. Unfortunately (and bongok-ly) she hadta just fucking park her car at the basement carpark not at my block, but at some other block.

You see, the basement carpark is HUMONGOUS. Therefore, I was unable to find her and the plae actually creeps me out. In addition, Lina, do not know how the fuck to get out of the carpark, because apparently, she is afraid she would go out the wrong exit. I had no choice but to fucking call her, and talk to her, while at the same time, screaming her name hoping she can hear me.

“LINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” *screaming the hell out in the carpark*

“eh, lina can hear me not?”

“yes! I can!”

“okay good, it means we are nearing each other already,”

“eh? I think I hear your voice in the phone only lei. Heh,”

Walaueh! Kannina. (-_-“)
That’s not all, unfortunately, after I found her, she got so excited, that she dropped her car keys, and it BROKE.

One minute I was yelling her name to find her at the carpark, and the next, we were crawling around in the carpark to find a fucking screw which was some part of her broken car keys. People were staring at us. They must’ve thought that we were possessed by some kind of hyena ghost or something.
It was just awesome. Me and lina, spending quality time together.
You see hon, i still have your long hair picture sial!
But i don't seem to have you current photo, you know the one with the mushroom head?
hahahah!

And on the 22nd my favourite girls are having a sleepover at my house! YAY!

2009-01-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

Insomnia

You must be wondering what’s with the sudden change.
New year, new start, new url, new blog. Okay, so cliché, so stupid, but I don’t give a fuck okay?
So far, the new year’s been good. Minus the assignments and all it’ll be perfect. I’ll be graduating soon, I can’t wait for it. and of course looking forward to karaoke-ing with my babes and dudes at the end of the month.
So little time, so much to do.
However, I have been easily irritated by the people around me, don’t know why. Might be the lack of sleep, might be my psychologist, or might me that my birthday is drawing near and I don’t really like it that much, cos I feel so old already.
I begin to realize that some of my friends have slapped themselves back to reality, and now they are scrambling all over the place trying to work their way up to have a brighter future. But some of them are still taking it slow, just spending time by themselves, exploring the world, trying to make sense as to why they are born in this world.
I can see pure panic in some of their eyes, as they desperately tried to deliver how they felt to me, explaining their regrets along the way. It was just those simple things in life, the answer you can never find, that feeling only you yourself feel.
All I can say is that, it’s not too late, we’re still young.
If I had the choice, I would have taken a long break from education and start working and travelling around the world.
But the burden, the guiltiness, I have deep in me. the one where I have brought so much shame and pain to my parents.
It’s the only way I felt I could repay their kindness, repay them in whatever ways. At least, for once, I could make them proud of me.
At least for once, I can finally show how much I appreciate what they have done for me.
Just two more years, in fucking university and I am finally done.
Just three more weeks and I can fire my psychologist. He is fucking gay and he is playing around with my bisexual instincts.

2009-01-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

I never thought that I could ever fall, and be at a mercy of a man.

Time flies. Really. It seems like just yesterday, that I actually chased after you when you were going back home, to ask for your number.

Yes people, I asked for my boyfriend’s number first. He is just so fucking shy to ask it from me. I think I must have still looked daunting because he initially flirts the hell out with me, but never ever for the whole of one month, ask for my number. Stupid pervert.

Of course, he was using his brother’s number, because he didn’t have a girlfriend for nearly a year already and he finds that having a handphone was a bit redundant. But of course after I asked for his number, (in which he passed me his brother’s hp number) he actually bought his own handphone and number after two weeks so that he could talk to me, text me anytime he wants, privately. It was kind of sweet. You know, those honeymoon days.

We share a lot of disgusting and dirty things together, both of us are a pair of assholes, who are just so weird in our own ways I guess. That’s why we click together easily.

And the most amazing thing is, we actually mutually can read each others mind. Not like, Edward Cullen reading other people’s mind, but you know like we communicate within the same frequency or something. Uh huh. These kind of people is like one in a million to me, actually hard to find.

We’ve been through a lot of things together, even though I sucked and he sucked at some points, we held on to each other. Of course we’ve been through rough patches, ugly fights, third parties and stuff. But hey, it isn’t as bad as those other ex boyfriends that I had.

Ex boyfriends that talked to my boobs rather than to me. ex boyfriends, who are actually fucking married with a kid, ex boyfriends who are jerks, and of course, ex boyfriends who actually turned gay. (fucking blow to my huge ego and self esteem)

Speaking of ego, the toughest point of my relationship with my lovely baby was the battle I had with his ego. Sometimes, I just wished that his ego died, that he wasn’t born with any. I know, kinda selfish, but I’m proud to say that babe is sloowwwwlllyyyy controlling his ego, trying to understand me, trying to control his anger. Of course, whatever he says now, I, definitely can rebut and he’ll actually listen and weigh out my opinion with his. Just awesome.

There’s like amillion other things I would say and can go on about my relationship with him, but I’ll just end it here.

Baby, the past three years, had been the most awesome days of my whole twenty years living in this cold world. You had been my bestest friend, my worst enemy and the bestest fucker ever. I’ve always needed you and wanted you.
I cant believe, that after going through all those shits, we still chose to fuck each other. Thank you for giving me your unconditional love, thank you for being there ,just for the sake of being pysically there for me, thank you for all the wonderful times we had together, thank you for opening up my mind to several new things, thank you for embracing all my weaknesses and kissing away all my open sores, thank you for everything you have sacrificed and did for me. it had always been you baby, in my heart, in my soul.

I’m looking forward to the future together with you. I will love you always Ihsan. Always.
Happy three years anniversary, asshole. Muah!(three weeks late)

2009-01-02T03:42:00.000-08:00

Our love turns 3.

Babe and I was working on our anniversary day. I was excused to go home early, while my poor baby had to work till 7 and he rushed over to bp to come pick me up and we went to have our dinner over at mad jacks. We ate like we haven’t been eating and then we went over to island creamery to have desserts since I insisted on having the teh tarik ice cream.
We had a long aimless walk, just talking. Just hugging and kissing each other. It was just perfect even though it wasn’t really a celebration-yet.

We cab back home. Chrismas eve, babe and I went shopping in the evening and I forced him into one of those neoprints shops at bugis junction. Hhahahah! Here are the few shots we took, I was laughing so hard, I swear, if I was careless, I would have fucking pissed in my jeans.

Naz and I have been talking a lot about the future, what the hell we’re going to do with our lives, what we’re gonna do after we graduate. And how the hell are we going to cope with the hell lot of assignments when school re opens again.

And of course, I have to deal with the lousy psychologist, who is fortunately going on a holiday, but unfortunately, was never going to fulfill his hours with ME. Therefore, I have decided to come up with an awesome reason that my house was fucking robbed and that I will also and most definitely succumb to the temptation of scratching his ugly car, if I happen to see his car around that is.

You stupid faggot! I hate you! I don’t know why u chose me! u should have chosen the other mentally ill people instead! Now I cannot backoff and I must try my very best to pretend that I am sane enough to get away from you!

Just one more month of theraphy with you and NO, u don’t fucking come and tell me that you are very angry with me because I blabbered about you to your boss. YOU DESERVE IT! I should have burnt your ugly pink file into ashes and stick a brinjal down your asshole!
(-_-“) pardon me people, forgive me.

I’m starting Wheelock in june. Looking “forward” to it. *trying hard not to pull my hair*

P.S: psychologist is back, meeting him on Monday. *Cringing *